What follows is a copied section from my former site. More will be added later.

Monday, November 03, 2003
I am at a spiritual crossroads. I cannot find the right direction. My life as it is, is incomplete, imperfect, and insignificant. My spiritual life is full of doubts, trials, and wrong turns. sometimes I'm left to question: "is there really a God? a supreme creator? a holy and gracious giver of life?" or is this all a sham? a 2000 plus year old hoax.

Don't judge me, you've been there before too.

If there is a God how do you know? Why do you believe? is it based on a book, a church, a minister. All of which can be corrupted by man.

If there is a God how do you know? Where is he? Especially in such a dark time in history. Why doesn't he do something?

If there is a God how do you know? Does he talk to you? Are you sure?

If there is a God how do you know?


Friday, October 17, 2003
I know I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I guess it's because I've honestly been a mess. Seriously. I've been pretending for far too long that everything in my life is "fine." But the truth is that I am a mess. I'm an occupational mess, a social mess, and musical mess, and more so a spiritual mess. I've realized that God doesn't want me to be the "squeaky clean cookie-cutter Christian." He doesn't want me to pretend to be a good Christian man. He doesn't want me to look like a Christian on the outside, but be a liar on the inside.

At some point I had to come to grips with the fact that I struggle. I struggle with anger. I struggle with pride. I struggle with cussing. I struggle with lust. I struggle with doubt. I struggle with guilt. I struggle with my role in my church. I struggle with my role in "The Church."

It seems to me that as long as we put on our "sunday faces" and sing the songs and talk the talk, that everyone is happy. It is easier to reply "I'm fine" than to reply, "I'm not so good. I couldn't put the bottle down yesterday, and I lost a battle to pornography." What would happen if you were honest with everyone? They'd freak out. I mean our churches have become such a social club that no one is real anymore; they just show the sunday side and hope nobody calls them on it.

I wish that I had it all together. I wish that I was as spiritually mature as I could get. But maybe I am as spiritually muture as I'll get. (at least till Christ's return).
I realized today that we are never going to achieve spiritual perfection, spiritual completion. We will always be a work in progress, until that day that we face God face to face. And for some reason I'm ok with that.

Given that I am such a mess lately, I think God is working in me. I haven't figured it out yet, but I hope he lets me in on the secret soon.


Saturday, June 07, 2003
EVERYTHING IS WRONG

by 'everything is wrong' i mean EVERYTHING.
i look around me - i'm typing on a plastic and metal and glass computer perched on a desk made from cut down trees and toxic paint. i sit in a
building made of wood and bricks that were taken from the earth on a
street made of poisonous asphalt that was laid over an eco system that
had thrived for hundreds of thousands of years. i'm clothed in cotton that
was saturated with pesticides while it grew and treated and dyed with toxic
chemicals while it was being processed. all of my possessions were made
hundreds or thousands of miles away and shipped in styrofoam and plastic
wrap via gas-burning engines and destructive roads and airways to me. my
food, is shipped from where it was grown to my local store and is often
packaged in paper, plastic, metal, and toxic inks. i know tons of people that
eat meat, smoke cigarettes, drive cars, use drugs, etc., even though they know that these things will ultimately hurt the quality (and length) of their lives. i live in an apartment building where no-one is on a first name basis. i know more about idiot actors in hollywood that i've never met than i do about the woman who lives next door to me (and who is probably more interesting). while on my way to work i inhale toxic exhaust from other cars sitting in traffic.

to make sure that eating 3 cans of oven cleaner will make you sick, or to make
sure that pouring nail polish remover into your eyes will hurt you we torture mice, rabbits, dogs, cats, etc. we use toxic chlorine bleach to keep our underpants white. we cut down the rainforests to drill for oil so that we can drive to the video store. do you see what i mean? everything really is wrong. even the back-to-nature people still drive cars and use products made from materials ripped out of the earth. people struggle all of their lives doing work that they hate just to be a functioning member of a system that is wasteful, destructive and unhealthy.

what i advocate is this - a sensible, pragmatic, and non-destructive approach
towards existence. we need to re-evaluate our practices. just as it doesn't make sense to hire an elevator operator to run an automatic elevator it doesn't make sense for billions of people to drive to work alone in their cars. it doesn't make sense to consume animal products. it doesn't make sense to use pesticides on agricultural products. it doesn't make sense to derive power from nuclear, coal, and petroleum when we have solar, hydro, and wind power. it doesn't make sense to maintain destructive systems just because people earn their livings from them.
it doesn't make sense to pour billions of tons of toxic chemicals onto our lawns so that they'll look pretty and green. i could go on but you're probably either bored or overwhelmed by now. i advocate change, massive, massive change. basically we should stop doing those things that are destructive to the environment, other creatures, and ourselves and figure out new ways of existing. that's it.

God is angry!!! i think. here in the u.s. vast numbers of politicians and religious leaders (the line between the two being blurry) are masquerading hate, racism, sexism, and ignorance under the banner of conservative christian values. conservative christian values are these - humility, mercy, compassion, love, honesty, etc. nowhere in the bible does christ encourage his followers to be intolerant, greedy bigots. nowhere in the bible does christ encourage his followers to lie, slander, steal, or be divisive along economic or cultural lines. preserving the 'american way' has nothing to do with christ. in fact, the 'american way' of greed, cruelty, environmental destruction, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. would seem to have nothing to do with christ. christ is wonderful, loving, compassionate and honest. today's right wing evangelical christians seem to be insecure, hate-filled creatures and although i should probably pity them, right now i'm angry. we sit back and watch as the christian right tries to legislate their petty morality at the city, state, and federal level. they successfully ousted the best chairman the new york city
school system ever had because he encouraged condom distribution and an open minded curriculum. here's a question - how are teen pregnancy, hiv/aids, and a redundant, ineffectual curriculum christian? instead of spreading hate, ignorance and a narrow-minded social agenda why doesn't the christian right go out and spread mercy, compassion and selflessness?

two thousand years ago christ called the religious & political leaders of his day
'whitewashed tombs, clean on the outside but inside full of evil'. god sent prophets, the religious political leaders killed and tortured them. god sent christ, the religious & political leaders killed and tortured him. the religious and political leaders of 2,000 years ago were 'whitewashed tombs, full of evil', and the religious and political leaders of today seem to be just as bad.

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